Funny Bones Vet Visit
USA TODAY
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Vet Visit
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog
down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body
and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is
dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,
demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the
cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from
head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at
the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but
the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet
brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to
tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man
and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks
how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my
initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab
tests."
 Quips
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
Dave Barry
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." Robert Benchley
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that that he can hold his own in the conversation." Fran Lebowitz
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." Joe Weinstein
"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." Unknown
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." Ann Landers
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." Ben Williams
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." Unknown
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." Andrew A. Rooney
A Dog's Rules
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved
for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed.
Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate
them. When company comes, always sniff the woman first. Make your best impression.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner,
especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food
that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your
sniffing. Learn to like broccoli.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to
humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk
with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your
own lawn. Always save a little something for every neighbor.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch
after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick,
use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure
yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never
quite catch them. It spoils all the fun. Just strike terror.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry...eat a
shoe.
THE POSTMAN: Is a uniformed man who looks suspiciously like an animal catcher. He comes to make my masters miserable by delivering bills. He is fair game on home turf.
NASTY THINGS: Always seek out the place on the ground where the nastiest
smell is. Roll in it thoroughly, collecting as much on the coat as possible.
Share it proudly with the family. Especially after the maid comes.
PERSONAL HYGIENE: Feel comfortable in your own surroundings. Know that any friend of your master's is a friend of yours. This means you can always "clean" yourself and give everyone a big kiss afterwards.
Dogs and Men... 1. How Dogs and Men are the Same:
*Both take up too much space on the bed.
*Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
*Both are threatened by their own kind.
*Both mark their territory.
*Both are bad at asking you questions.
*Neither tells you what's bothering them.
*The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
*Both fart shamelessly.
*Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
*Both like dominance games.
*Both are suspicious of the postman.
*Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
*Neither understands what you see in cats. 2. How Dogs are Better than Men:
*Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
*Dogs miss you when you're gone.
*Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
*Dogs don't criticize your friends.
*Dogs admit when they're jealous.
*Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
*Dog do not play games with you--except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw...)
*Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
*You can train a dog.
*Dogs are easy to buy for.
*You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
*The worst social disease you can get from a dog is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)
*Dogs understand what NO means.
*Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
*Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
*Dogs admit when they're lost.
*Dogs are color blind.
*Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
*Dogs mean it when they kiss you. 3. Where Dogs Fall Down:
*Men only have two feet that track in mud.
*Men can buy you presents.
*Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
*Men are a little bit more subtle.
*Men don't eat turds on the sly.
*Dogs have dog breath all the time.
*Men can do math stuff.
*Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
*It's fun to dry off a wet man.
Dogs and Their Owners
Four men were talking about how smart their dogs were. The
first
man was an Engineer, who said his dog, "T Squared," could do
drafting.
He told the dog to get some paper, draw a square, a circle,
and a
triangle, which the dog did easily.
The Accountant said his dog, "Spreadsheet," was smarter. He
told
his dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide
the
cookies into piles of three, which the dog did with no problem.
The Chemist said his dog, "Beaker," was even smarter. He told
his
dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten
ounce
glass, which the dog did with no problem.
The three men then turned to the bureaucrat and asked what
could
his dog do. The bureaucrat called his dog "Coffee Break," and
told
him to show the guys what he could do. Coffee Break then
trotted
over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper,
screwed the other three dogs, claimed he hurt his back doing
so,
filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for
workers
compensation and left for home on sick leave - with pay!
20 Reasons Why Dogs Don't Use Computers:
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear, "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead
of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT & STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroups: alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving that on-line chat rooms.
And the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TgrOo HyAqR4tDc TrO TgYPmE WeIjTyH P:AzWqS. *
*(Translation - Too hard to type with paws.)
(Contributed by Mary Green to the Tulsa Dog Training Club's August '96 newsletter, "PawPrints")
Doggie Dictionary
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead
your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To
do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale
deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts
of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves and falls into the bushes and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to
warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls
and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require...especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. (See above.)
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
Daily Canine Routine
The day is divided into two important sections: I. Mealtime
This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean
that it is time to stop eating.
USA TODAY Wed. May 6,1998 "Their bodies were dumped in three heaps near a desolate farm outside St. Louis, the ears of the creatures crudely cut off. Dismay rippled through the nation's dog-racing and animal-rescue worlds with the discovery of the 45 dead Greyhounds April 23. It is among the few publicized mass killings of the dogs since 1992, when 143 decomposing Greyhounds were found in Arizona." (The key here is publicized. Thousands are killed every year.) "Police in O'Fallon, Mo., say they have few leads and no suspects. Cause of death has not been disclosed. Police say the animals were killed and discarded during the previous five months. Greyhounds long have been bred for their ability to race around tracks at speeds of 47 miles per hour. At the height of their popularity in 1989, more than 50,000 of the dogs were bred for racing on 54 tracks in 17 states. They race about every three days; a champion can earn $25,000.00 by winning one of the top runs. The sport's popularity began fading early this decade, when abuse of the gentle dogs ignited a nationwide move to save them. Thousands of Greyhounds, nearing the end of their racing days about age 4, were killed by electrocution, starvation, or other means. Because of the publicity, six states have banned Greyhound racing in the past five years. The total amount of money wagered in 1996 was 2.3 billion, down from 3.4 billion in 1990. There are 150 Greyhound adoption agencies nationwide. In the past 10 years, 50,000 former racing Greyhounds have been adopted as pets. But the grim discovery in O'Fallon, population 23,000, raises all the old questions about treatment of Greyhounds, whose roots can be traced to the royal pets of the ancient Egyptian pharaohs. "This kind of thing goes on all the time," says Susan Netboy of the National Greyhound Adoption Program in Woodside, Calif. "About 16,000 healthy Greyhounds still are quietly put to death each year," says Leslie Sinclair, a veterinarian for the Humane Society. In O'Fallon, the ears of the adult dogs were severed, indicating to police that the animals probably were from the racing world. When they are 3 month old, all Greyhounds with potential racing careers are tattooed on the ears for identification. The bodies of three rabbits and one cat also were found. Trainers often use live animals such as these as bait when training racing dogs." (This is illegal, and bloody!) "But investigators can't figure out why 36 of the dogs--puppies, some as young as 3 months old--were killed. Gary Guccione of the Kansas-based National Greyhound Association, a racing group, says the pups may have been killed because they had a disease. "Ninety-nine percent of the breeders would like to find the person who did this and take a rope and string them up," Guccione says. The National Greyhound Association and the National Greyhound Adoption Program are offering $1,000.00 rewards to help find who dumped the dogs in O'Fallon. "It's a brutal, inherently cruel industry," Netboy says. "These animals, as soon as they are not profit-makers, become financial liabilities."
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